I've gone silent for a bit here because I was working on something big. Already mentioned it here a couple of times. http://davidlnoble.com/
I am setting up a website. It currently has blog entries and articles that I've written, categorized, but not presented well. The landing page is non-existant. You can find content if you click on menus, but nothing is linked easily yet. Very much a "work in progress".
I do not expect to be posting here any longer, though, so I felt like leaving a forwarding address. :)
Yes, I didn't write "health update". I just noticed that I had another "I posted that, right? No? What? Are you serious?!" moment.
I lost more weight. Not trying. Happened.
So, week one of maintenance I gained one pound, week two I gained one pound, and then week three I lost four pounds.
After this week (already had potatoes, a biscuit, and rice with various meals) we'll see if that lasts. I have some Quinoa to go with my meal for tomorrow. Stoked about the Quinoa.
I kinda liked that I lost more weight. I've noticed that there is a thrill to it that is not strong enough to be a "red flag", but I get it. I've had a lot of serious positive reinforcement about this diet thing, and I see multiple paths to food-related issues if I were to start chasing validation, acknowledgement, or attention by continuing with this. Just noting it here, not really worried.
I don't need to be smaller. I could use some physical stamina/strength, that would be nice, but no, not less. Maybe more.
What I really need is more time to write. /sigh
I don't have anything to say, but I've got a ton to say, so, I'm here typing, without saying anything, because blog. Am I doing that right?
My goal right now is to kill some time before heading to my favorite restaurant for the first time in over a year. Pretty excited about that. Going to eat food I haven't eaten in that same time span. Likewise, excited. I'm going to watch myself use some new skills around portion management and content control. Probably sensing a theme by now. Yep, excited.
I'm not saying anything right now because I have so much to say, and it feels so big, that I want to spend more time to say it. My list of stuff and things to write is getting longer, not shorter. As it should be.
Ooh! Immigrant Song!
I have reading to do. An immense amount of reading. I have an immense amount of writing as well. I want to continue dating, which seems challenging given the first two sentences found within this paragraph. I'm meeting Heather for lunch at Paradox in an hour. I'm spending time with Gina after that. I'm getting together with Craig after that. Sure, Heather doesn't count as "dating", but she's in the "super-important don't fuck with that time" zone that is bigger than dating, so I included that commitment.
Given that my goal, upon finding out that I had today "off", on Friday, was to spend all day writing, my schedule filled up with social activities rapidly. It made me think of the explosive nature of a vacuum interacting with a previously artificially maintained atmosphere, like in (insert sci fi tale of your choice)... you know, that one episode. Shit just flew in there, or out of there, actually, I guess.
Metaphor is weak.
It's the explosive, sudden, uncontrolled nature of it that I'm getting at, not the in/out part. I don't know that I was in control, consciously, of that happening, which is a goal of mine, to be in control, consciously, of such things. Rather, I was motivated, opportunities of the first order presented themselves, and I pulled the trigger. I exercised volition, certainly, there was not even a hint of coercion. My concern was not that I made a mistake, far from it, rather it's the potential power of the pause that I feel was missing.
What if I had paused for a moment, or several, and considered? I am impulsive, in some ways, (funny that, given my glacial pace, careful consideration, and risk aversion that I find notable about myself) and quickly recognize when something is right/great and truly a good opportunity. That's what the time with each of these three was today.
Oh my God! Megalomaniac. *Bliss* Sorry for the Pandora interruptions. It's just too much to not spout.
Where was I?
Yeah, I get that I made the "right" decision in each case. I have historically been intolerant of the concept of artificially slowing down when something is obvious in such a way, the pause that I refer to, but now I'm shaking that out, considering, and finding room for value, if not in any specific instance, generally. I want to be able to give a moment's pause, a consideration, respect (?) to the alternative. I avow the correctness of the decisions, but I want to DO them differently. Not to change the outcome, but to acknowledge the import of what is losing out, what is being selected against, so as to reinforce the imperative of coming back to it, not allowing it to fall by the wayside.
My big rocks are not all in there. I have a lot of big rocks, I think is the problem. I might have so many big rocks that I will end up with NOTHING but big rocks in my life, and that idea makes me feel like crying, joyfully. Is my life so rich, full, and ripe with abundance that I literally have no time for anything that is not "my favorite thing ever"? Really?
I feel pretty grateful considering that. I wonder at the relative nature of desire, pleasure, and appreciation. Will that shift over time? I don't know. This feels like bragging, so I push against it, I don't like saying, "My life rules, hah!" I think I'm writing this, stream of consciousness that it is, to reflect on, observe, and consider the validity of it. Really? Is that where I'm at?
Not bragging. Incredulous. Grateful. Passive bragging? Bragging as a consequence. I don't like bragging. I don't want to brag. Maybe, instead of thinking of it as "bragging", I could hold it, cherish it, and consider it "celebrating". Maybe that's what I'm doing. Maybe, if it's not "over others", or "instead of others", or in some way to "show up others", maybe it doesn't qualify as "bragging" at all. Those certainly aren't my intentions. Maybe it's about celebrating, and cheering, and being delighted so that I can't contain it. That feels a lot like what is going on, inside.
I think I'm celebrating. I'm deeply grateful. I'm very happy. I'm willing to continue working towards all of this, learning as I go. I don't feel like I've got it all figured out, far from it. Nothing here feels like bragging. Okay, I'm celebrating.
Well, while I'm celebrating, I'm going to continue working on making my big rocks fit together better, because I need to get in some serious reading/writing time. Serious. Too many words. Need more time for them.
Alright. There's my marching orders.
I was told last night that "this would make a great Facebook update". I scoffed. I didn't see myself sharing this info at all.
You'd think I'd know myself better.
The truth is, I don't really want to share this info there. It's a much better match to be shared here. So, in the interest of ridiculous levels of narcissistic self-disclosure, let's continue.
Metrics. Numbers. In this case, sizes.
I was going to put off buying clothes until mid-December. My budget liked that plan. The thing is, I was wearing underwear that (I thought) were about 10 numbers too big, and t-shirts that were oh-my-God-too-many numbers too big. It was like clown clothes. It was distracting.
Example: When your underwear are that over-sized, this happens... I would regularly be standing still, aware that no clothing was touching my, ahem, skin, anywhere down there, other than around the waist. It was breezy. It made me feel like I was going commando. It was disconcerting. Not really awful, but mildly unpleasant.
It wasn't a "crisis", but it was becoming a "thing". Due to a combination of this increasing urgency and some fortuitous prodding, my plan was accelerated last night. I threw away every t-shirt and every pair of underwear I owned this morning, except for the new stuff purchased last night. I haz clothes! Here are some numbers:
When I was at maximum density (I know that word doesn't mean that, I don't care, I like the phrase) I was wearing size 52 t-shirts. I was still wearing those yesterday. They were called "2X". Today, I wear a small, size 34 - 36. They fit very well, a little loose, but not bad at all. Pleasant.
When I was at maximum density I was wearing size 52 - 54 (also labelled "2X") underwear and they were too tight. They were the biggest size that I could buy in a brick & mortar store. I knew that I needed to replace them, but I couldn't bring myself to order "special fat person" underwear on the internet. I, instead, continued to go to the special department at certain stores and buy the "special fat person" underwear that actually weren't quite big enough. *sigh*
The underwear I own now are labelled "S". They are 28 - 30. They fit very well, better than the t-shirts. Comfortable, not tight, not loose. Perfect.
I wear "small" clothing. On the package for the t-shirts, it listed the size as "America & Europe 'S', Asia 'M'." I'm an Asian "medium".
Still can't quite get my head around that, but it makes me happy.
... or thereabouts.
It's been about two and a half weeks since I hit my goal. Broke it, actually, still joyful about that. I've still been weighing in each week, to watch what happens as I transition off of plan, and start experimenting with new, long-term eating plans.
A week and a half ago I weighed 176, so up one pound. A couple days ago I weighed in at 177, up one more pound. Two weeks of increasing calories and sugar, two pounds gained. Seems reasonable. I haven't been to the gym for cardio- or strength-training since I hit my goal. Still doing Tai Chi class each week.
I'm looking at a couple of options. I'm going to make a bid to go to Paradox on Sat. the 17th or Sun. the 18th with Heather. I very well might be going to Nicholas on Fri. the 16th for dinner. Going to research nutritional values on the things I'd want to eat there. Exciting stuff.
There are some other crazy changes. Big stuff. Started a meditation practice. Crazy. Didn't expect that. Purchased a web domain and hosting package. Setting that up. Going to move all of this stuff over there soon. Crazy. Very happy. Less crazy, more awesome. Actually the other stuff is awesome too. Lots of happy, crazy, awesome going on.
What else? That's plenty for right now, I'm going to decide what to do tonight. My original plans have been jettisoned in favor of restful, quiescent solitude. And writing, I think. We'll see. No, this doesn't count. Well, kinda. :P
I suppose this is where I say, "That's 6 pounds less than last week, blah, blah, blah...", but that feels like it really doesn't matter.
And done... sort of. I'm not going to go out and eat breakfast at Paradox cafe, stuffing myself full of potatoes and biscuits and what not, I wouldn't get very far if I tried, and it would be fairly likely to just come right back up if I tried to finish it all. I will go to Paradox (in roughly 3 weeks), and I will have "some" potatoes, and likely part of a biscuit. I will put the rest in a to-go box. I will savor what I eat, and the rest will go in the refrigerator at home, for another day.
Done, yes, but it doesn't go back to the way it was. I'm going to do something new. I've got the next 3 weeks planned out pretty concretely. After that I've got a ballpark estimate of the following 3 months. We'll see what works and what doesn't work. It will be a learning process. This diet was something brand new, unlike anything I'd ever tried before. Now, this transition off of the diet where I will gradually let my body get used to foods it hasn't processed for over a year, that's also going to have learning opportunities.
What follows that, however, is going to make everything else feel like grade school. I'm not going to be micromanaged the way I have been on plan. The training wheels will be off. I'm going to need to consider the principles I've learned, the tools I've become accustomed to, and then apply them effectively, making my own choices. Around food, this feels intimidating. But there it is. That's what I've got cut out for myself.
I'm terribly excited this morning. 175. I'm giddy, and crying sporadically, and, well, my emotions are all over the place. Yep, there I go again. I'm kind of a mess, but it's a good kind of mess, I think. After work I'll go get some tomatoes and pea pods, and I'll add those to my salad tonight. Next week I get to add fruit to my diet. The week after that I will be able to start eating Greek yogurt as my breakfast, instead of soy paste masquerading as "oatmeal". Exciting.
I'm also scared. I'm scared that as the training wheels come off, I'm going to fall. I'm scared that I'll make bad choices. I'm scared that I'll "do it wrong". I don't want to do it wrong. The I think I have to get past that perception. I don't have to get over my fear, it's okay to feel scared. What I need to get over is the perception that "doing it wrong" is bad. That's bull shit. "Doing it" is good. Doing it well is good, doing it bad is good, doing it perfectly is good, but not likely. The goal is to be "doing it", and to pay attention as you do.
Observe, learn, try, fail, wash, rinse, repeat. It's great to fail, because that means you're trying. The only way you lose is when you stop trying. I did that as a child, I looked around at the world and decided that I wasn't going to engage in life, in certain areas. A big part of my personal growth, this year, has been recognizing that I've simply refused to get into the game, in several ways. I've refused to try, because I didn't want to do it wrong.
I'm going to screw up. I'm going to do it wrong repeatedly, and I'm going to take delight in crashing and burning. I'm going to cheer my failures. I'm going to love myself, take pride that I tried, apologize to anyone caught in the blast radius of my mess, and then pick up the pieces, see what I can learn about what happened, and give it another try. I'm going to do that, and do that again, and keep doing that until the day I die.
So, if I gain a little weight, that will be fine. If I have too much rice with a meal, that will be fine. It will all be okay because I know that the people that care about me will continue to. I know that I will continue to care about myself. I know that there are options that will be effective in whatever situation I might be faced with.
I'm feeling a little less scared about what will come next. I'm feeling a little more excited.
I don't celebrate holidays, but it feels a little like what I think most people feel on their birthday. I feel special today. I don't normally feel special. I'll have to ponder that.
No, not really. I think I'm doing more writing in my head and not posting, because looking at my computer screen, I don't see any updates from the past three weeks. I remember writing two during that time...
... and yet, I'm wrong.
So, here we go.
The week after I hit 189, I dropped 5 pounds, landing at 184. That was amazing. Loved it. Completely unexpected.
The week after that I dropped another 3 pounds, ending up at 181. That was a shed water moment, because I realized I needed to stop soon. Like, really soon. It was possible, though unlikely, that I was going to hit 176 one week from then. I prepared to buy different groceries after my next weign-in.
The week after that, I was even more surprised, and somewhat delighted. I stayed stable at 181. That was 3 days ago. If I didn't lose weight, and if I'm not to my "end point", why was I "somewhat delighted"?
Well, to me, this whole stop/start thing I've been doing the past 6 weeks or so is indicative that my body is pretty happy in this range. I'm about done. Plus, I'm still on plan, no cheating, and I've been going to the gym twice a week, so I think that it's entirely likely that the results are being impacted by something besides "how much fat I've lost".
I think it's showing that I am gaining muscle.
Excuse me while I go *squee* in delight!