I suppose this is where I say, "That's 6 pounds less than last week, blah, blah, blah...", but that feels like it really doesn't matter.
And done... sort of. I'm not going to go out and eat breakfast at Paradox cafe, stuffing myself full of potatoes and biscuits and what not, I wouldn't get very far if I tried, and it would be fairly likely to just come right back up if I tried to finish it all. I will go to Paradox (in roughly 3 weeks), and I will have "some" potatoes, and likely part of a biscuit. I will put the rest in a to-go box. I will savor what I eat, and the rest will go in the refrigerator at home, for another day.
Done, yes, but it doesn't go back to the way it was. I'm going to do something new. I've got the next 3 weeks planned out pretty concretely. After that I've got a ballpark estimate of the following 3 months. We'll see what works and what doesn't work. It will be a learning process. This diet was something brand new, unlike anything I'd ever tried before. Now, this transition off of the diet where I will gradually let my body get used to foods it hasn't processed for over a year, that's also going to have learning opportunities.
What follows that, however, is going to make everything else feel like grade school. I'm not going to be micromanaged the way I have been on plan. The training wheels will be off. I'm going to need to consider the principles I've learned, the tools I've become accustomed to, and then apply them effectively, making my own choices. Around food, this feels intimidating. But there it is. That's what I've got cut out for myself.
I'm terribly excited this morning. 175. I'm giddy, and crying sporadically, and, well, my emotions are all over the place. Yep, there I go again. I'm kind of a mess, but it's a good kind of mess, I think. After work I'll go get some tomatoes and pea pods, and I'll add those to my salad tonight. Next week I get to add fruit to my diet. The week after that I will be able to start eating Greek yogurt as my breakfast, instead of soy paste masquerading as "oatmeal". Exciting.
I'm also scared. I'm scared that as the training wheels come off, I'm going to fall. I'm scared that I'll make bad choices. I'm scared that I'll "do it wrong". I don't want to do it wrong. The I think I have to get past that perception. I don't have to get over my fear, it's okay to feel scared. What I need to get over is the perception that "doing it wrong" is bad. That's bull shit. "Doing it" is good. Doing it well is good, doing it bad is good, doing it perfectly is good, but not likely. The goal is to be "doing it", and to pay attention as you do.
Observe, learn, try, fail, wash, rinse, repeat. It's great to fail, because that means you're trying. The only way you lose is when you stop trying. I did that as a child, I looked around at the world and decided that I wasn't going to engage in life, in certain areas. A big part of my personal growth, this year, has been recognizing that I've simply refused to get into the game, in several ways. I've refused to try, because I didn't want to do it wrong.
I'm going to screw up. I'm going to do it wrong repeatedly, and I'm going to take delight in crashing and burning. I'm going to cheer my failures. I'm going to love myself, take pride that I tried, apologize to anyone caught in the blast radius of my mess, and then pick up the pieces, see what I can learn about what happened, and give it another try. I'm going to do that, and do that again, and keep doing that until the day I die.
So, if I gain a little weight, that will be fine. If I have too much rice with a meal, that will be fine. It will all be okay because I know that the people that care about me will continue to. I know that I will continue to care about myself. I know that there are options that will be effective in whatever situation I might be faced with.
I'm feeling a little less scared about what will come next. I'm feeling a little more excited.
I don't celebrate holidays, but it feels a little like what I think most people feel on their birthday. I feel special today. I don't normally feel special. I'll have to ponder that.