I don't have anything to say, but I've got a ton to say, so, I'm here typing, without saying anything, because blog. Am I doing that right?
My goal right now is to kill some time before heading to my favorite restaurant for the first time in over a year. Pretty excited about that. Going to eat food I haven't eaten in that same time span. Likewise, excited. I'm going to watch myself use some new skills around portion management and content control. Probably sensing a theme by now. Yep, excited.
I'm not saying anything right now because I have so much to say, and it feels so big, that I want to spend more time to say it. My list of stuff and things to write is getting longer, not shorter. As it should be.
Ooh! Immigrant Song!
I have reading to do. An immense amount of reading. I have an immense amount of writing as well. I want to continue dating, which seems challenging given the first two sentences found within this paragraph. I'm meeting Heather for lunch at Paradox in an hour. I'm spending time with Gina after that. I'm getting together with Craig after that. Sure, Heather doesn't count as "dating", but she's in the "super-important don't fuck with that time" zone that is bigger than dating, so I included that commitment.
Given that my goal, upon finding out that I had today "off", on Friday, was to spend all day writing, my schedule filled up with social activities rapidly. It made me think of the explosive nature of a vacuum interacting with a previously artificially maintained atmosphere, like in (insert sci fi tale of your choice)... you know, that one episode. Shit just flew in there, or out of there, actually, I guess.
Metaphor is weak.
It's the explosive, sudden, uncontrolled nature of it that I'm getting at, not the in/out part. I don't know that I was in control, consciously, of that happening, which is a goal of mine, to be in control, consciously, of such things. Rather, I was motivated, opportunities of the first order presented themselves, and I pulled the trigger. I exercised volition, certainly, there was not even a hint of coercion. My concern was not that I made a mistake, far from it, rather it's the potential power of the pause that I feel was missing.
What if I had paused for a moment, or several, and considered? I am impulsive, in some ways, (funny that, given my glacial pace, careful consideration, and risk aversion that I find notable about myself) and quickly recognize when something is right/great and truly a good opportunity. That's what the time with each of these three was today.
Oh my God! Megalomaniac. *Bliss* Sorry for the Pandora interruptions. It's just too much to not spout.
Where was I?
Yeah, I get that I made the "right" decision in each case. I have historically been intolerant of the concept of artificially slowing down when something is obvious in such a way, the pause that I refer to, but now I'm shaking that out, considering, and finding room for value, if not in any specific instance, generally. I want to be able to give a moment's pause, a consideration, respect (?) to the alternative. I avow the correctness of the decisions, but I want to DO them differently. Not to change the outcome, but to acknowledge the import of what is losing out, what is being selected against, so as to reinforce the imperative of coming back to it, not allowing it to fall by the wayside.
My big rocks are not all in there. I have a lot of big rocks, I think is the problem. I might have so many big rocks that I will end up with NOTHING but big rocks in my life, and that idea makes me feel like crying, joyfully. Is my life so rich, full, and ripe with abundance that I literally have no time for anything that is not "my favorite thing ever"? Really?
I feel pretty grateful considering that. I wonder at the relative nature of desire, pleasure, and appreciation. Will that shift over time? I don't know. This feels like bragging, so I push against it, I don't like saying, "My life rules, hah!" I think I'm writing this, stream of consciousness that it is, to reflect on, observe, and consider the validity of it. Really? Is that where I'm at?
Not bragging. Incredulous. Grateful. Passive bragging? Bragging as a consequence. I don't like bragging. I don't want to brag. Maybe, instead of thinking of it as "bragging", I could hold it, cherish it, and consider it "celebrating". Maybe that's what I'm doing. Maybe, if it's not "over others", or "instead of others", or in some way to "show up others", maybe it doesn't qualify as "bragging" at all. Those certainly aren't my intentions. Maybe it's about celebrating, and cheering, and being delighted so that I can't contain it. That feels a lot like what is going on, inside.
I think I'm celebrating. I'm deeply grateful. I'm very happy. I'm willing to continue working towards all of this, learning as I go. I don't feel like I've got it all figured out, far from it. Nothing here feels like bragging. Okay, I'm celebrating.
Well, while I'm celebrating, I'm going to continue working on making my big rocks fit together better, because I need to get in some serious reading/writing time. Serious. Too many words. Need more time for them.
Alright. There's my marching orders.